When last I left you, my mom was in the hospital and my youngest kid was about to embark on a journey of medical mystery. Now, nearly a month later, things are finally beginning to settle down.

The entire month of October was taken up by getting my kid diagnosed with epilepsy here in New Mexico while my mother was dying over in Arizona. New Mexico has notoriously long wait times for medical care, so it was pretty much a miracle we went from seizure to MRI to EEG to diagnosis and prescription in less than three weeks. Of course, because the universe is a crazy place that cares not a bit for my stress levels, my mom died right in this same window of time; I got my kid diagnosed with a life altering condition, filled her prescription, then had to leave town the next morning to help plan my mom’s funeral and sort through her home before closing out her estate. Awesome. Best October ever.

My kid is basically okay, I guess. As epilepsy goes, hers is pretty mild, though any seizure disorder will mess up your life a little bit. She’s adjusting okay so far. My mom’s death is weird and complicated because she was a weird and complicated person; we were low contact for years before she died and left us a literal hoard to dispose of. The funeral was weird, my sibling relationships are sometimes weird, but there’s also an odd sense of relief to it all, like now that she’s dead I can get on with the business of mourning the relationship we never had and figuring out how I feel about all that complicated emotional abuse and neglect and moving on.

All these goings on have me really off balance. Surges of grief and anger catch me by surprise. I’m havin all sorts of regrets and thoughts about what I need and want out of life. I feel pretty raw and not at all in the mood for the various birthdays and holiday celebrations I have to take charge of through November and December. I usually use this blog to escape and remind myself of the pleasant parts of my life, but right now they’re so intertwined moment to moment with the less pleasant parts that things might be chaotic for a while. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe as I come through this I’ll find a more deep and authentic voice and purpose. Or maybe I’ll just implode. I’m really not sure right now.

I suppose we’ll find out together. Meanwhile, here are some pictures that make the past month seem much more fun and beautiful than it felt at the time:

Here’s the quick trip to Carlsbad Caverns and Roswell we took before everything truly blew up.

Funeral and beyond:

And I was barely home when we got Santa Fe’s biggest snow storm in years. Hugely inconvenient but beautiful.

Hopefully my next update will be much sooner and much duller than this one. Until then, have a safe and lovely November. –Corvus