Just kidding. I didn’t make any resolutions for this year. I’m just continuing my ‘back to basics’ routine, which has been helping a lot. I still have a lot of ideas and a lot of things I want to accomplish, but I’m purposely trying not to set goals or deadlines around them so I don’t stress myself right the hell out again. Getting serious about deprogramming from my intense religious culture means setting a lot fewer goals for myself than I usually do and expecting less of myself. Even after a month or more this feels really alien to me.

It’s definitely been helping, though. I’m feeling calmer and more in control of myself than I have for years, and for the most part we had a low key and pleasant holiday month. We even managed a trip to the in-laws without too much stress. Some of my in-laws are even fun to visit–a few of them are interesting and thoughtful people we really enjoy talking to.

Of course, there are always a few bad apples. My father-in-law is still a sad and fearful man who thinks we’re going to hell, but I managed not to get truly angry about his behavior until we were safely on our way home. It seems most ex-Mormons have at least one family member whose mission in life is to guilt and shame them back into the church, and Steve is the thorn in our side. Part of me feels truly sorry for him; fear and regret cling to him like sweat, and he has no real understanding of what he’s doing wrong. I’m a bit rusty on my Bible so I had to look up the verse, but he’s a quintissential Pharisee, nitpicking about music choices and white shirts on Sunday while neglecting hope and charity and literally knowing his grandchildren’s names.

Matthew 23:23–Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin, and have omitted the weightier matters of the law, judgment, mercy, and faith: these ought ye to have done, and not to leave the other undone.

It’s not fun being judged by someone who’s doing religion wrong and should know better. Spending time with him made me miss my dad with a powerful ache for days afterward. My dad was actually great at religion–he worked hard, followed the rules, but paired that with genuine kindness and hope and real effort to love and understand everyone around him. I kept going to that stupid church for decades, looking for the god my father believed in, only to find hundreds of miserable Pharisees like my father-in-law instead.

But that’s enough complaining. Seeing Steve reminds me how glad I am to be out of that toxic mess and renews my motivation to keep healing the layers of damage and guilt it left me with. I’m more eager than ever to continue the hard work of learning to relax.

On a lighter note, I did start two projects last month that I’m making progress on. Slow progress, which I’m learning is fine.

First I started the Dock and Cabin sweater. It’s a fiddly pattern, with cables and charts and lots of counting. It’s a fun challenge so far, but I can’t do it while helping kids lest I lose track of my knits and purls mid-row. I’m doing it in black, but the close-up photo has a filter so you can see the stitches better.

Right before our trip I realized I didn’t want to take such a fiddly project with me so I gathered up supplies for a cross stitch I’ve been meaning to start. It’s an Edgar Allan Poe themed pattern I got from Thread Geeks, a large full coverage piece. Eventually it will be a lovely tribute to The Raven, but I started in the corner so until yesterday it was just a black rectangle. My in-laws laughed when I finally added a square of dark brown after about 30 rows of solid black. Now it’s a black rectangle with tiny squares trailing off the bottom. Progress!

Since I’m working on slowing down, I won’t promise to blog more. I’ll do my best to find at least a little time and energy to keep in touch, and I promise not to abandon you altogether. No matter what we’re coming out of or where we hope to go, may this year be better than the last for all of us.