This year has been one damn thing after another. In the last month it’s become very clear that my kids’ new schools are not good and they’ve been struggling. I needed to get my youngest out of her middle school entirely and right now the only options are online. My son may be following her online if he doesn’t fix his grades. I’m not super strict, but when you’re failing every class except basketball I get very worried. Add in driving classes for my oldest, continuing behavior issues, the pandemic dragging on and on, and the continuing job search (though we’re still fine for money so far) and October finds me frustrated and out of energy.

Samhain, Halloween, is often seen as the “Witch’s New Year” and this October I’m feeling that “death of the old year” vibe more than I ever have. For me, this is a time to acknowledge death while embracing life, to embrace fear and darkness so you can appreciate comfort and light. Usually I put a heavy emphasis on embracing life and comfort and light (in my own spooky goth way) but this year the fear and darkness are very much with me so far. My heart is heavy and my mind is on all the things I can’t fix or fight.

It’s not depression. Maybe a little burnout but I’m keeping up pretty well on self-care and the Zembrin I’ve been taking has been very helpful. I’m just feeling a deep need to look within and find that quiet place where I can rest, emotionally speaking. I’m usually either brooding and anxious or active and hard-driving; that calm center can be hard to find for me. For the first time in my life I feel like my ancestors are with me, supporting me from that calm place. I feel like my father’s spirit is with me, enjoying the storm clouds and turning leaves, telling me to trust in myself and my ability to work hard and figure things out.

Ironically, as fall deepens I’m finishing up the spring patterns in my Sabbat cross stitch set. Ostara is done and I’m making progress on Beltane, the last one left. Mr. Robot has a forest scene his grandmother painted a long time ago, and I think we might hang it in our bedroom with the sabbat cross stitches arranged around it. I think it will make a lovely little shrine wall. After that’s done I think I’ll knit a couple of sweaters. That’s always a soothing and useful way to spend the winter months.