I’m not all that romantic but I love chocolate, so Valentine’s is the day I eat candy and celebrate the fact that I don’t have to date anymore. The Robot and I get along great and he comes from a very long-lived family, so chances are good that I’ll never have to date again. Yay! I sucked at dating.

I really hate dating but I really love questionnaires, so just for funsies, I thought I’d answer some “first date” questions for Valentine’s Day. How about these questions recommended by marriage therapists:

1. What’s the last thing you bragged to your mom about? I don’t even know, it’s been so long. My mom has mental health issues that make her unable to actually care what I have to say about anything.
2. If you could get advice from anyone living or dead, who would you want advice from and what would you ask? I think I’d like to discuss life with Simone de Beauvoir. I’m not sure I’d actually take her life advice but I’d love to hear it.
3. Do you make your bed in the morning? No. Mr. Robot sleeps later than I do so I have an excuse, but even before him I never bothered to make my bed. I do straighten it up before I get in at night, though.
4. What’s the worst first date you’ve ever been on? I haven’t been on a lot of real dates, so I don’t have any first date horror stories. I don’t really like to tell mean or embarrassing stories anyway, so I’d probably be annoyed if a date asked me this question.
5. If you could wave a magic wand right now and have your life be perfect, what would that new life look like? My kids would be successful adults who still wanted to visit me and text cute pictures of their kids and/or pets. I would live pretty simply and divide my time between making things, customizing my smallish home, and volunteering at a library or school. Mr. Robot would work for some opensource foundation. We’d save money and every year or so take a trip somewhere amazing we haven’t been yet.
6. What could you spend all day talking about? Literature, philosophy, history . . . abstract, nerdy, Big Idea stuff but also details like how an author achieves suspense or what medieval farmers did in their spare time.
7. On your last vacation, did you plan everything beforehand or go with the flow? It was about 80% planned, 20% flow. That’s how I like most things to be.
8. When you’re old and gray and looking back at your life, what do you want to be remembered for? I suppose I want my kids to feel like I helped them to be their best selves, and in general I’d like people to see I was always striving to deepen my understanding of the world and be a wiser, more contented person.
9. What dating advice would you give the high school version of you? I’d tell her to stop worrying what Jesus thinks and just be who you really are.
10. What is the most awkward/embarrassing thing that’s happened to you recently? I would not tell a first date this. Or you, blogosphere. I really don’t have a good sense of humor about stuff like this.
11. What’s your philosophy on tipping? I tip generously unless the service is just the worst, and even then I still tip a little. Where I live servers don’t get paid much so it seems like the decent thing to do.
12. What’s your favorite thing about your best friend? She understands that “what are you reading lately?” is a much bigger deal to me than “what did you do today?” and she’s the same way.
13. If you had a dinner party and had to invite a musician, a politician, one famous couple and only one family member, who would you invite? Bonus points: what would you be serving, where would you have it, and what would be on your dinner playlist? Wow, this is a pretty complicated question. I think I’d invite Scott Walker, Indira Gandhi, Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera, and my youngest sister. She’s the most fun and extroverted so she’d help keep the conversation going. Plus, she’d love to meet Frida Kahlo. Since I have no idea what these people liked to eat, my sister and I would probably do some simple grilling with lots of simple side dishes, and a selection of wine, whiskey, and some non-alcoholic options. We’d have the dinner in my backyard, but since this is a fantasy my backyard would be nicer than it is in real life. For the playlist, I think I’d include a little bit of everything. A little goth, a little metal, a bit of punk, some jazz and classical, maybe a few big Bollywood numbers.
14. What’s your biggest pet peeve in a partner? You know those people who hate making decisions but want to judge your decisions? They’ll say “oh, any place is fine for dinner” but no matter what you choose they’ll complain for the entire meal. I hate that. If you leave me to guess what you secretly want, I will guess wrong and be mad that you didn’t just tell me. I have to admit, one of my favorite things about Mr. Robot is that when he says “any place is fine” he really means it.
15. How do you spend your free time? Reading, crafting, walking and hiking, watching TV, playing phone games, listening to music, learning stuff.
16. If you won a $20 million dollar lottery, what would you do with the money? I’d move to Moab or somewhere like it, build a nice little cottage and cover it with art. Maybe create a free space for artists and crafters and misfits to meet and host events like horror film nights or seasonal haunted houses. I’d travel some and invest a solid chunk of money for my family’s future. After that I’d put the rest toward a good cause, like the Bail Project or GiveWell.

Looking at these answers, I think I can see why I suck at dating. I’m not all that fun. I’m a pretty good wife, though, so that’s something.

Happy Valentine’s Day. Or for all of you who don’t do Valentine’s, have a great weekend.