“It’s okay not to be goth.”

I hear it everywhere. I’ve said it myself. In one sense it’s true–goths aren’t inherently better or worse than punks or gamers or basic bitches. There is no (should be no) hierarchy for personality or aesthetic preference. In this sense, it’s obviously okay to not be goth. You do you, right?

But we’re not saying this to punks or gamers or basic bitches. They’re not asking to be goth they’re off moshing or playing Call of Duty or . . . what is it basic bitches do? Shop? We’re saying this to the gothish, the darkly inclined, the drifting misfits who don’t have a label. And for those people, being goth is clearly better than not being goth. Goths have club nights, brands, listicles, memes, hashtags, YouTube communities. Goths have a tribe. Sort-of-goths don’t have any of that. For those people, saying “it’s okay not to be goth” is like saying “it’s okay that you didn’t make the team, but you can still hit tennis balls against the wall by yourself. That’s probably fun, right?”

I’m not calling anybody out here. I’m also not saying everyone can be goth just by grabbing a label. A whole wardrobe from Killstar can’t make you a goth any more than buying an expensive racket would get you on the tennis team. There’s nothing wrong with saying “come back when you’ve got some skills.” I realize now, though, how dickish and condescending it is to pretend owning a tennis racket is just as good as being on the team. I’ll try not to do that anymore.

I do think the problem sorts itself out pretty well, though. When a kid doesn’t make the team she either works on her skills, moves on to something more her speed, or pretends she’s a tennis star anyway while everyone rolls their eyes and laughs behind her back. The tennis team suffers not a bit.

But goth isn’t tennis, you might argue. Goth is a fragile baby raven that must be guarded and protected lest it die or lose its feathers or worse, be confused for a magpie or an ostrich and thereby confuse everybody’s idea of what a raven even is. And you would have a point. Goth culture has always been small and easily misunderstood, and that’s why I actually support a small amount of gatekeeping. There’s nothing wrong with saying “try again when you know some bands” or even better, offering a free lesson or two to kids hoping to join Team Goth.

Sure, goth celebrities probably get asked way too much for this and are probably approached by a lot of weirdos who say “I’m just like you because we own the same dress!” And Serena Williams probably gets asked for tennis tips way too much and probably has an entire fan club of wannabes who own the same racket or shoes she does. It’s not unique to goth, it’s just unique to fame, and every celebrity finds their own way to deal with it.

The rest of us can probably afford to be generous here. Mostly, the average non-jerk goth is probably already pretty nice about this, encouraging people who seem sincere in their gothy interest and tolerant of babybats. We may say, with varying degrees of patience, “come back when you have some skills” and roll our eyes at poseurs who proudly wear the uniform without knowing how to play, and that doesn’t necessarily make us elitist gatekeeping dicks. We do it because we’ve got something good and we do want to protect our tribe. But I, at least, will try to have more understanding for weirdos without a tribe as well. Maybe go the extra mile and help them find where they do belong.

Side note: I don’t play tennis. Or any sport, really. I don’t know how I got stuck on the tennis metaphor, it just worked, you know?